| I was going to cut text this, but decided against it. I'll warn you though, I am a bitch okay. |
[29 Aug 2008|09:49am] |
I've always been taught to be the nice one, the one that respected people around her regardless of who they are or what they've done. I know to mind my p's and q's and I don't like to be rude. We all have those days when we can't help a little rudeness because something rubs us the wrong way though and it affects everything we do and everyone we come in contact with. We try to soften it with those who don't deserve it but we snap. It's unavoidable, that's apart of life and that's just that. Unless of course you get off your chest what's weighing you down, and then you don't have that opportunity to snap at people that don't deserve it.
There are things most of you can't begin to understand, and the other half of you will think that I'm talking lies. I've come to find that this is the way goes when it comes to things concerning my life. If I speak out on things that I've not yet spoken about then people assume it's one big lie after another. There was an article that came out in Seventeen, where I talked about my two year relationship with Nick and most people want to think that it's all this big lie, that I'm making it up now to come inbetween whatever rumored couple it is that's going around now with Nick, when in actuality, I had this interview back in, May I believe, or it was March. I'm too pissed off to remember exactly when it happened, but it was before everything got blown so fucking out of control in my life.
You all can claim that you understand what's going on in my life, you can say that you sympathize with me and that you understand. I get that you think that you do, but for me it's not the same as it is for you. Have you spend the better half of the year having things that were private leaked out? People following your every move. Your home address and telephone number leaked, a photoshoot taken that you saw now problems with and thought it was tasteful to have to turn and apologize for it and say that you were forced into it when you really weren't and then to have your entire family come under attack for it? I can take all the "Miley's jealous" bullshit because, let's face it, fact of the matter is I'm not the type that handles jealousy well. I've never been the one to handle jealousy well. I turn into this whole other person sometimes, but that's not to say that I'm not trying to change that, or that I"m not working on it because I am, there are just some situations that arise that make it hard not to be jealous. Still, that's not what this part was about. I'm coined as the next Britney Spears and the Spears' family is close friends with us and I feel for Britney more than anything because I know what kind of hell her life must be and the fact that people make it a point to catch her at her lowest. She's so much more than the world gives her credit for, and you know what, so am I. We've all had to deal wtih things that we shouldn't and how it affects each of us is different from the last.
I was thirteen when I started this relationship. This crazy rollarcoaster of a ride with Nicholas that sometimes I wished I could hit an eject button on and let myself be carried away never to have to deal with it again. Two years. Two years we were together. Can you even fathom a two year relationship when you're thirteen? A lot of people have asked Daddy how he'd even consider letting me date that young and the thing was he knew that I was good, I'd have my teenager moments but they raised me well and if any dates happened it was always group dates to the movie theater and there was always a parent there somewhere. We weren't stupid kids, you know. It was almost instantly that we came together and just as instantly as we came together, he became my everything. There wasn't a moment where my thoughts weren't consumed by him and where I wasn't trying to make sure I could see him. They were just starting to pick up fame wise and it was getting harder and harder as the months wore on to get time with him but it was nice. When it could happen he was everything. Every thought I could think, every emotion was tied to him in some manner. Before we even met face to face I had a crush on him so you can only imagine how it intensified.
There's one thing you'll learn when it comes to hearing about this relationships. When we're apart from each other everything in the world that could go wrong, did. Every fight that we could think of to have, trust me, it was had. When we were together though? When we were together there was nothing greater in the world than those moments. Those moments that it felt like there just weren't enough of in the world, and there wasn't. There will never be enough of those perfect moments. I think that's safe to say with every relationship though because the couples that are glued to each other's hips twenty four hours a day, seven days a week yearn for just a few days salvation from one another so they have time to miss each other. Nick and I though? We had more than our share of missing one another. We never had enough quality time and that caused fights. Fights about why are you to busy to see me. Why can't you just spare five minutes for me? Am I not important enough for you to try to see? These were mostly from my side towards him. I won't deny that I didn't want his every single moment to myself. I was greedy. I didn't want him to give anyone else attention and I'd made that clear on more than one occassion.
The things that tipped the fans off the most about us would be me. Nick wanted to keep things quiet, and for someone that usually has the biggest mouth in the world, this wasn't easy. This didn't mean though that I'd just sit by as the green eyed monster took over though. If he hugged a fan for too long, or he looked at a girl in a way that I didn't think right, I was the one pushing my way to get to him and make it clear that he was mine. Even if he's just that friendly person who wanted to give the fans the treatement they deserved for helping him to be able to follow his dream. When you find that person that consumes you, well, your life becomes them and you try not to loose them. You do everything you can to keep them near to you but you can't help it either, when it starts to push them away. You try to change. You try to be that person that's better, the person that they want you to be, but you can't help it. I'm not saying that he told me to stop, but he'd give me that look that only he gets when he's disappointed in you even slightly and the way he would say my name. I felt like I'd just gotten caught doing something I shouldn't have been doing and that I was going to spend the next few days punished to my room.
I know that my actions had a part in playing to the demise of us the first time. That along with hiding us and the fact that we never got time together was killing any chance. It was, for the most part a mutual decision between the two of us to end us after two years. This didn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell, because it did. I cried for a month straight because I had Nick from being my all, to being my nothing and I felt like this huge void was creating in my life. When we split, we promised we'd still be the best of friends. We'd gone through so much in the two years we were together, from his being diagnosed with Diabetes and me being there for him, along with the rest of his family because it was hard for him especially with hiding it, to him being there for me when a family friend back in Nashville passed away at the age of 13. I hit rock bottom then and felt so guilty because I was out on the BOBW tour, and I couldn't even make it to her funeral. Nick was the one that picked me back up from that. Still, it's hard to go from relationship to friend and for a while, it wasn't possible. We'd managed though, to get back to that friend's zone and we were fine, and then things just happened between us again and we decided we'd take that step, one more time, see if we couldn't make it work this time because we'd both grown up in the few months that we'd been apart.
Thing is though, in those few months, a lot of crap was going on in my life and Disney was just, being so hard on me as was the rest of the world. We still barely had time for one another, but we made sure we talked, because talking was going to keep us together. I was overworked. Overworked to the point that inbetween interviews when I was realeasing "Breakout," i was sleeping and just couldn't manage to keep my eyes open. I was drinking more Red Bull than anything for my hypoglycemia and I was just tired. I felt like I hadn't had a days peace in so long between shooting the movie, releasing the cd, having to practice for the live dance off against Adam and Chu's team, to being the first solo hoster of the Teen Choice Awards, to starting to film the new season of Hannah and trying to say that I wanted this to be the last year and Disney going "Oh no, we haev more plans. We can't confirm this is the last season," to my phone number and house address being leaked. I pulled back. I barely left my bed except for when I had to. I didn't talk to anyone. I couldn't because I knew if I did I was going to whine about something and I was going to try to drag them in and I don't want anyone to have to deal with the crap that I have to. I don't want them to get hit with anything that comes my way because, I've learned to deal, learned to cope, learned to cry about it when no one's around because the world is less than nice to me most of the time. Still, this isn't something that just anyone can deal with you know? I was protecting those people that I loved, or at least I thought I was.
During my short absesnce so try to make me feel like me again, something happened. Something happened that has been the cause for all the fights, all of the tears, the anger and the pain. The only thing is though, the person that caused it, just doesn't seem to get it and until he does? Until he does there's only going to be fight after fight. I'd learned a long time ago that jealousy never was the way to go adn you know what? I'd actually been really good about being jealous at all. But to come back and hear straight from my boyfriend's mouth that he was flirting with someone else? Well, it hurt like hell and I'm not even going to lie about it. I give him credit for standing up to me and telling me that he was flirting. That took some guts although the way he was going about it made me almost think that he'd really cheated on me. The kicker though, came when he told me that he'd thought about leaving me for her. Full out considered ti and almost did until he realized that I was his heart. I tried to forget about it, she was his best friend, is his best friend, and I didn't want to have a reason to get upset with him about it. I could cope with it. I kept my mouth quiet and I just, didn't bother. It got to be a lot though, when every day it seemed like, when we did talk, it was always "Demi this" and "Demi that" coming from his mouth until I finally snapped. I finally asked him if he could go one fucking day without mentioning her name to me and this started a huge fight. It was almost like he'd forgotten what he'd told me nearly a week ago about what'd almost happened while I was gone and suddenly I was just this jealous bitch out to make his life hell and fight with him.
I'd cried so many tears. So many tears over him than a person should have to cry in their life and still he just continues to not get where I'm coming from and think that I'm just out to spark a fight with him about it. I don't like Demi, infact I strongly dislike Demi, and yes, I will call her a bitch because I know that she talks shit about me, and you know what? Up until her post I haven't really said jack shit about her to be quite honest. I know she talks about me to Joe and Nick, and I've been told at least this much by the both of them. Up until they told me she did, I was never that rude. So you know what? Go fuck yourself, seriously. Your little post in your journal about not wanting to be in people's drama? I'm sure you just helped egg on what was going on between Nick and myself, because I know he ran to you about it. Good for you. I'm sure you didn't want us together anyways, and whatever. You're a bitch. Okay. A bitch. I don't even fucking care anymore. Excuse my language, but seriously. I'm so fed up wtih half of you people anyways. I've already had my words with a few people about things. Like how you can call someone your best friend, and not even manage to make an attempt to talk to them at all. I know I'm a bitch. I dont' care what people think about me anymore because I am who I am, and you can't change that. No one can change that except for me. I have to make a change in myself if I want to, and you know what? I rather like me the way that I am. Tihs is the last that this subject will be touched on, and by this subject, I mean Nicholas and myself. If you don't get it, you don't get it. Fuck you I'm tired of trying to explain things. I'm tired of running in circles because it doesn't sink in. Think I wasn't good enough for him? Whatever. Maybe I wasn't, but to him I was, and that's the only thing that matters. The outside views mean nothing to the two people in the relationship. You either learn to accept it, or you talk your shit, but don't do it to the person in the relationship. True colors always seem to come out in the end. That's a good way to ruin friendships too when couples split. Sometimes, not all the time, but it happens okay.
I'm done though. This is it. Don't expect another thing like this to come from me again either. I'm going to go finish enjoying the few days that I have in an undisclosed locatino before I go back and we film, and then there's the party to really plan for and my sweet sixteenth around the block. Invitations will be sent out in the next few days for those friends close to me that I want to come. If you get it, well, guess what, you're someoen special to me, if not? Well, I don't care. I'm done trying to please you.
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